The Earthbound Misfit

I’d always had a strong connection with my sister, we could say so much without saying a word. And I knew that even if we were apart- no matter how far the distance, we were connected somehow.

The sound of wind whistled through the dead branches of the decrepit, hollow trees that lined up through the woods. The glow of the crescent moon shown through the branches and lit a narrow path ahead of me, but the end was nowhere near it seemed. I’d been walking for miles with no recollection of how I arrived here. Although the humidity from the fog dampened my skin, my mouth was dry. I could feel my lips crack. My breath felt short; I was desperate for air. There was no one in sight, and I had forgotten who it was I was looking for. Was I looking for anyone? Terese… I could hear the winds moan. I swiftly moved my head towards the sound, where was it coming from? How did I end up here? Terese… the voice echoed again. It was soft and young, a woman’s voice. A familiar voice.

”Dani?” I called out.

The deafening winds whistled and howled even louder than before.

“Dani, is that you?”

As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized how crazy I must’ve sounded. I responded to the winds as if it had understood my call. The winds picked up, the rustling of the branches and leaves swaying harmonized and I felt like I was in her presence- in my sister’s presence.

“Terese…Terese…”

“Terese, Terese wake up.” I heard a voice echo in my head as I came back to consciousness. The beads of sweat from my forehead had soaked my silk pillows, I could feel the moisture in my scalp. My eyes felt like weighted marbles rattling inside my head, which was pulsating. My right hand felt tingly and heavy; I could feel the blood rushing through as I finally uncoiled it from the weight of my head. Felt like a hangover. “Terese, are you okay? You were talking in your sleep again, and your eyes were doing that fluttering shit.” Nick mimicked as he motioned with his hands. I looked up at him, bewildered and slightly embarrassed. I could feel my cheeks flush.

“Huh, I was talking in my sleep?” I sleepily managed to muster out through my parched lips.

“Yeah, you were doing it again. You were calling out for Dani.”

I lay frozen, I hadn’t dreamt about my sister in a while. There’d been a time when that’s all I could dream about. Especially those first few weeks after her disappearance. I was heavily medicated and blamed the drugs for my hallucinations and reoccurring dreams. Nick rested his hand on my arm, slowly brushing it up and down to try and soothe me as I came to. I sat up and cupped my face,

“I couldn’t find her.” I struggled to say, my words choked as I tried to find the strength to get them out. “I could hear her, it was dark, I couldn’t find her.”

“It’s okay.” Nick’s voice had dropped an octave as he continued to run his hands up and down my arms and hands.

His hand finally landed and interlocked with mine, he used his free one to lift my chin to face him. “Do you want to make an appointment?” My body tensed as soon as he said it. I didn’t want to go back to a psychiatrist. They make you feel crazier than you really are. I motioned my head no. There was no way I was going back to the drugs. No. I’ll manage somehow, but not with that poison.

“Baby, I worry about you. I don’t want you to end up like last time.” He said in a hushed voice.

“You mean a zombified mess?” I said, trying not to sound bitter.

 I knew exactly what he meant but I didn’t want to admit it. Dani’s disappearance took a toll on me, and as much as I didn’t want to admit it- I was rendered useless. There’d be days when sleeping seemed impossible and my appetite was non-existent.  It had been four years, four of the longest years.

She was only eighteen, had just graduated college. The last time I saw her we were taking a road trip to Austin the summer before she was about to start school. We got an Airbnb near the site, it was a small house with a quaint backyard, which was lit with lights that hung about some trees. It reminded me a bit of a backyard wedding with all the coziness and romantic lighting. We had planned to get a canoe and paddle through a river. Neither of us had done it and we vowed that we would bravely take on that venture together. We unpacked and decided to try out the fireplace outside and enjoy the night. Dani had just dyed her hair a fiery red that glowed from the light of the fire in the pit, a short pixie cut that neatly framed her round face. She wore thin gold, metal glasses that helped illuminate her hazel eyes. I was always jealous that of the both of us she was the one that ended up with the hazel eyes.

“Are you excited?” I asked her.

“About?” Dani asked, unassuming and with a bit of sarcasm. She always came off a little rude though she never meant to.

“About college, are you excited?” I eagerly asked.

“Eh, I guess so. I don’t know. To be honest I never thought I’d make to eighteen.”

We sat in silence a moment. She scrunched herself, locking her legs between her arms in a fetal position and craning her neck up to look at the stars.

“Why do you say that?” Her nihilism wasn’t surprising, but it was alarming.

 I wondered why she always thought she would die young. She’d often say it jokingly, but as the saying goes- I felt there was some truth behind her humor.

“Because, it’s true. I just didn’t think I’d make it this far in life.” Her gaze looked far away, entranced by the glow of the night sky.

What she was thinking? She always seemed to be thinking thoughts that were far too grand for the ordinary mind to wrap around. I decided I’d pull her out of her reverie, I sprung up and plopped myself next to her. 

“Well, you’re here now sis. Gotta make the most of it.” I said as I squeezed her close to me, she groaned.

 I loved teasing her. She hated when I’d show her any sort of affection. But she already knew at this point not to fight it. I could feel her grin as I did my best to squeeze the air out of her.

            Bark, bark … the sound of my dog Mischief in our backyard snapped me back. Nick was already up and getting dressed, he looked over to me. I could see the concern on his face.

“Look,” he began. I knew where this was going. “I know you don’t like talking about it, but you need to Tess. Call Patty, do it for me please.”

I let out a sigh, there was no point in arguing. He’d make the appointment even if I didn’t agree to it.

            Mischief had dug another hole in our backyard, I felt it as soon as my foot dipped in it- causing me to lose my balance. “Mischief, Mischief.” I called out, no sooner had I called him when he decided to run up and jump towards me. He was a big boy, a husky with bright blue eyes. I felt bad leaving him outside during some of the hottest summer days in Texas, but we had a gazebo with shade where he’d nap.  As soon as I showed him his collar his tail eagerly wagged and he started barking loudly with excitement. I put his gear on and got him ready for our daily walk.

            The neighborhood was quiet, except for some kids playing basketball down the street. I’d often just get lost in my thoughts as we did our laps. Although Mischief was an energetic dog, he knew better than to try and tug me.

As we were turning the corner around my favorite house in the neighborhood, I could feel my mind wander off again. I thought back to my dream, back to my sister’s voice. It’d been so long since I heard her, but I could still recognize her voice. It’s strange how real it felt, though my dream sounded like a horror movie cliché- a single woman venturing out alone in the woods. The woods didn’t seem familiar, but I seemed to know my way around. The fog was new, and the light from the moon. Those hadn’t shown up in my dreams before. It was always just stars. And she called me Terese. She rarely called me that, she’d always call me Tess. If it was Terese, it was trouble. I always tried to protect my little sister, I always tried to make her tough. Though I’m sure she was always tougher than me.

“Terese…Terese…“

The voice, her voice. I could hear it again.

“Tess, Tess…help.”

“Where are you Dani?” I cried out.

 I frantically searched around. Dani, I shouldn’t have let you go off alone. Why did I say okay? I should’ve been there. I shouldn’t have let you leave.

“Dani, I’m here.” I was gasping for air, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t.

 Mischief, in a panic, started barking at me. I collapsed. His barks were desperate. I could feel my throat closing, my chest felt heavy. I was on all fours. Mischief licked my face as if to try and tell me to calm down. I could feel myself get heavy as my eyes slowly closed.

“She’ll be fine, it appears she may have suffered a panic attack.” I could hear an unfamiliar male voice say. “We’ll keep her here for a while, but she should be released soon. She’ll be fine. I’m going to step out for a bit, but if you need anything one of our nurses should be able to assist you.”

“Thank you.” Nick responded.

I could hear someone leave the room; the heavy door made a loud thud as it closed. Nick sat by my bed and brushed some stray hairs off my nose. I could see the coil from my brown curls bounce away from my face. The light from the room stung my eyes as I tried to look up at Nick. I always hated going to the doctor. I especially hated the waiting part. All that time wasted just sitting and waiting to hear something you already sort of knew.

“I’m sorr, “I started to say till Nick interrupted me.

“You scared us Tess.”

“Us?”

“Me and Mischief.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just, I thought I…” I didn’t want to finish saying it.

I knew what Nick would think. I didn’t want him to know that I thought I heard my sister calling out to me while I was out on my walk. Even though I did believe it, even though it sounded clearer than the planes flying overhead just now. I didn’t want to give Nick anymore reason to believe I was losing it.

“I miss her too Tess. And I haven’t lost hope. You do know that, right?” I nodded. I forgot that I wasn’t the only one that this took a toll on.

The first few months after Dani’s disappearance we had created search parties all over Austin. We would put up flyers, call up local TV and radio stations to get the word out. I’d make posts on Facebook, reach out to all her friends. There’d be some cruel kids who would offer up information in exchange for money. I had heard it all, but I was frantic and couldn’t think straight. I just wanted to find her. I was obsessed. I had thought the worst, and the images I conjured up in my mind would force me awake and moving. Always moving, always looking. I’d play the night over and over again in my head. I tried to remember everything, tried to think of any detail that would give me a clue. I’d write it out like a story, tried to narrate it to myself to see if something stuck out. Over time my obsession developed into my illness. I was hearing voices and would see things that weren’t there. That’s the curse of a creative mind perhaps, sometimes your imagination likes to take you on its own adventure.

Nick found my journals and confronted me about them, they’d piled up and took up a corner of our room. He told me it wasn’t healthy the way I was obsessing about finding Dani. The cops are on it, he’d remind me. They’ll find her, he’d say. As the years went by my hope started to slip. I’d believe him less each time he’d say that someone was on it. If they were really on it, they would’ve found her by now.

The following week I was sitting in Patty’s waiting room. An older woman with a pink walker was sitting across from me. She was muttering to herself, some of which I wasn’t sure was English. It could’ve been another language, or maybe gibberish. She was tapping on her walker, almost as if she were trying to keep a beat. Her presence made me uneasy.

“Terese Lopez.” A woman in a light blue dress called out from the other end of the waiting room.

I got up and I could feel the older woman’s eyes dart up at me as I moved. She looked at me in a way that made me think she had something to tell me.

“Right this way.” The woman in the blue dress said as she pointed ahead. I followed her as she led me Patty.

Patty’s office felt more like a lived-in dorm room, there were pictures of what I assumed was her family hung up all over the wall. Along with a slew of inspirational quotes in picture frames with sayings like ‘Not all those who wander are lost.’

“She’ll be right in; she’s just finishing up with one of our other clients.” The woman said, in an almost artificial tone that reminded me a bit of an Alexa or Siri.

I sat in my usual spot; a brown oversized couch that had been worn in. I thought back to the last time I sat here, I remembered that then I hadn’t been sleeping, so the days were blending together, and I wasn’t even really sure I was awake.

“How you are doing today, love?” Patty said as she entered the room. Her voice had a natural sing-song melodic tone, I wonder if that’s something they teach psychiatrists. She pulled up her chair from underneath her desk. “It’s been quite a while hasn’t it, about a year I would say.”

“Yes, it’s been about a year.” I responded almost robotically.

“So, tell me, what’s going on?” She hadn’t even made eye contact with me and she was already jumping straight to it.

I was dreading this part. I didn’t want to relive it. A part of me was tempted to just walk straight out of the room and not look back. I was already thinking of the excuses I could tell Nick, ‘I got sick babe, threw up all over her shoes.’ Patty waited, finally looking up and giving me that fake concerned face that I could swear is another thing they teach these professionals. As if my silence was answer enough, she jumped to another question, “Have you been writing Terese? Last time you came in you told me you were working on a novel? How’s that going?”

“Um, I haven’t touched it much since the last time I saw you. I haven’t really been inspired to write if I’m being honest.” Which was true.

“Is it because you have your mind on other things?”

There was no point avoiding it, I’m paying this woman to listen to me. I could dance around the topic but sooner or later she was going to bring up Dani, I may as well just rip the band-aid off now.

“I’ve been having the dreams again.” There. Rip.

She began to write something down in her computer, I couldn’t see what it was- it had a silver screen on top that I believe helped to block onlookers from peering over. I assumed she was looking up the dreams that we had talked about in the past and making note of my comment.

“Ah yes, the ones of your sister? Remind me, what happened in those dreams?”

I closed my eyes a moment, I was back in the forest. There I was, in the middle of the night. My heart began to beat harder and faster in my chest, I could feel my face flush and my ears getting hot.

 “Terese…Terese…”

My mouth lost moisture again, I managed to part my lips and get something out, “She’s calling out for me, it’s the middle of the night. I’m in the woods. I’m trying to find her but it’s too dark. The moon is lighting everything, I can see the trees clearly, I’ve been following the light of the moon. I try to let her voice guide me, but it echoes all throughout. I can’t find her.” My breath starts to get shorter; I could feel my palms getting wet. I try to rub them against my torn up, vintage jeans but I’m sweating so profusely that it seems pointless to try and dry them.

“Terese,” Patty looked over to me, “Take a deep breath.” She said softly.

I opened my eyes; I remembered the grounding exercises from the pamphlets she gave me. I looked around the room, reread the ‘Not all those who wander are lost’ poster again. I took note of the light blue calligraphy it was written in, the way it was lined with gold and reflected with the glimmer of the fluorescent bulbs in the middle of the room. My breath started to slow down.

“I know it’s hard. It’s been a few years since your sister went missing. You don’t have to answer but have you tried to reach out to the authorities to see if they have any updates on her case?” She asked.

“No, I haven’t. I’ve been too afraid to.”

 Anytime I called the cops it seemed pointless, they always gave me the runaround and always told me the same thing ‘We’re working as hard as we can and will call you when we have any news.’ I remember calling every week, I would get hysterical and yell at whatever poor person decided to answer my call that day. I feel like at some point they would start to screen my calls because they would ignore me. I would show up periodically to the station to try and talk to the chief of police or whoever I could get a hold of. It was so frustrating. At some point I gave up hope trying to contact the police. If anyone was going to find Dani, it’d have to be me.

            Patty made some notes on her computer; she was typing away and was nodding at whatever it was she was typing. As if she were having a mental conversation with herself and agreeing to whatever the voice in her head was saying. I didn’t mind Patty, she seemed friendly enough. But I had a hard time taking any of her advice seriously- it just didn’t seem productive. It felt pointless to sit in a room with a psychiatrist. None of this was working to bring Dani back home. My eyes scanned around Patty, looking at pictures of her family. In one of them she was in a canoe with another woman. They were both smiling big, the skyline had an orange-pink hue as if the sun had been ready to set.

“Careful Tess, you’re gonna fall.” Dani yelled out to me, teasing.

 I did my best to balance myself out. I managed to regain stability and plop myself down in the middle of the canoe. Both of us were wearing life vests, bright orange with matching black logos of the company we were borrowing them from. We had the oars in hand, I had no idea what I was doing.

I glared at Dani, “I can’t believe I convinced you to let me do this. You know how much large bodies of water unnerve me.” I complained.

“Oh, get over yourself Tess.” She teased.

She looked over to me and winked, it felt like she was trying to reassure me and remind me not to take everything so seriously. I smirked back at her and shook my head in disapproval.

            Dani began to motion her oar- up, down, up down. I followed her. Even though we were both new to this she was a natural. As if she’d been canoeing all her life and knew exactly how to do this. Everything came so easy to her. She had such natural talent- singing, dancing, drawing. But she never cared for performing in front of audiences.

 I remember when she lived with me one summer, I could hear her through the other side of the wall singing Jewel’s song ‘You Were Meant for Me’ on her guitar. I’d sit at the foot of my bed and just listen to her. I’d giggle a bit at the song. To my knowledge she hadn’t been dating anyone, so it was hard to imagine that she’d have anyone in mind while singing a song that was about longing for someone. But the way she was singing it, the way her voice sounded. A sort of yearning, lostness that beckoned for direction- her singing was maybe one of the few indicators that clued me in on her deep thoughts.

We were approaching a wooded area that seemed to veer off the path. I surveyed around. Dani was sitting in front-leading us both. At first, I wasn’t worried, but then I started to get concerned when I didn’t see any other people around us.

“Dani, maybe we should turn around. I don’t think we were supposed to go this way.” She turned over to me and gave me a big grin.

“I’m serious Dani, let’s turn around. We’re going to get lost. And I don’t know how much signal I get out here.” I said, panicked.

“Don’t worry, we’ll turn back eventually.” She brushed me off completely.

I wanted to say something to her. She knew how much of a control freak I was, I didn’t like not following the rules. But I didn’t want to ruin this experience for her. This was the first time she seemed really at ease. She appeared light, like she had no care in the world. I envied her. I wanted to be like her. We continued to move forward, getting closer to a landing spot with some tall trees.

“Let’s get off there.” I heard Dani call out to me.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” I yelled out.

 I didn’t have any hiking gear and it made me nervous to think that we would get down and walk around when the sun was about to set, two defenseless girls with barely any phone signal.

“It’s getting dark Dani. We should go back.”

“Come on Tess, don’t be so lame. I promise, we’ll just look around a bit and then go back.” She assured me. I reluctantly agreed.

            We got down. I could feel the muddy ground underneath the soles of my shoes. I slipped a bit and fell forward- using my hands to stop the fall. My hands got clunky with mud, and I could hear Dani roar with laughter at my despair. At least I made her laugh. As I got up and dusted myself off, we could hear rustling up ahead. Dani looked over to me, a pleading request to go follow the noise.

“No, you said we were just going to explore a bit. We can see enough from here.” I said to her.

“I think it was a baby deer Tess, come on. Let’s go see. Maybe we can feed it.”

“No. Leave it alone.”

“Please.”

“No Dani, five more minutes then we are leaving. Look around and then we have to go.” I said firmly.

I sounded so much like our mother then. I shuddered at the thought. Dani’s face sunk, but then morphed into a bit of defiant smugness. As if she was going to do whatever she wanted anyway, even if I didn’t approve. She started to follow the rustling sound, I pursued her. She started to move faster, “Slow down Dani, why are you running?”

“It’s trapped, we have to help it.” She ran towards the sound, and I ran after her.

            We kept going deeper and deeper into the woods, the sun had set completely, we were in the dark. The stars were out, and I could hardly see anything in front of me. I knew we weren’t supposed to be here. Something felt off. She kept running and running, I couldn’t keep up.

“Dani, stop. We have to go back. We’re going to get lost out here. I don’t even know where we are.” My voice started to shake. And my leg cramped up.

I tried to push through the pain, but I couldn’t, I had to stop. I couldn’t hear her anymore, or the rustling.

“Dani, I’m serious. If you don’t come back here this instant you’re going to be in big trouble. I’m not going to take you to New York.” I threatened.

As if that was going to get any real response. I waited a second to see if I could hear her. “Dani?” At that moment I knew, but I didn’t want to believe it. Something had happened. I kept moving forward trying to find her, I felt as if the trees were closing in like those carnival fun houses that play tricks with your perception. I shook my head to try and get a grip on myself. I paced around, limping. Massaging my calf to try and soothe it so that I could move faster. I looked up and, in the distance, I could see the deer. It couldn’t have been more than a couple months old. It looked straight at me; Dani’s grey jacket was underneath its feet. She’d torn up a bit of it to mend the deer’s leg. The deer didn’t move, it stood frozen and locked its gaze at me. I broke its gaze, hoping that it wouldn’t charge at me or something. Where could she have gone? Why did she run off like that? I searched for my phone and decided to call her, I dialed, it rang. I waited a bit, no response. Straight to voicemail. I called again. And again. As if one of the repeated times that I’d call I’d get a different result.

“Where the hell did you go?” I said under my breath.

I called again and again until finally, someone picked up. I could hear breathing on the other side.

 “Dani? Where the hell are you?” I waited. More breathing, slow breathing.

            “It’s beautiful Terese.” I heard her say.

The way she said my name, I hadn’t heard her call me Terese in a long while.

“What’s beautiful?” I ask her.

I waited for her to say something. Those few words she said to me, it didn’t sound like her.

“Dani, let’s go. Where are you?” A high-pitched shriek that didn’t sound human hummed through my ear from the phone.

The high pitch sound hurt me and caused me to drop my phone and collapse. I clasped my hands on the sides of my head. I could still hear it ringing inside. I felt dizzy. The last thing I felt was the wet, cold muddy ground on my face.

            “Terese, are you with me?” Patty began to snap her fingers

I could feel my eyes rolling but I had no control over it. I was having a seizure. The echo from that phone call was still echoing in my head. I could hear Dani’s voice, or what I thought was Dani’s voice.

            “I need a medic in here, someone call a doctor.” I could hear Patty say.

People started to pile into the room. I could feel my body convulse. I had no control over it. This was only the third time in my life that I’d ever experienced anything like this. I could hear everyone around me, but there was no stopping it.

“Terese…Terese…I’m okay…I promise…I’m okay”

Dani’s voice reverberated inside, I kept getting flashes from the woods. The deer looking right at me, the moonlight. It kept playing in my head and I couldn’t stop it. But suddenly everything slowed down again, I began to regain control. The pit of my stomach was unsettled, I could feel something come up. I couldn’t help myself and threw up all over Patty. “I’m so sorry.” I said to her. I could tell she was trying her best not to be upset.

             I went to the restroom and cleaned up, then headed back to the waiting room. I called Nick to come pick me up, I felt like I was in no condition to drive. The woman with the walker was still there. Again, she looked straight at me. Motioned for me to come over to her. I was still trying to regain my composure. My body felt weak, weighted. Every ounce of me told me that I should ignore this woman, but I had to know. She must’ve known something. I used every bit of strength I had to walk over to her. She remained sitting, sweeping her hand to gesture for me to crouch down. I did, and she whispered to me, “You can stop looking, Tess.” My heart stopped and it felt as though I was injected with ice water in my veins. Nick entered, he rushed over to me and gave me a tight, warm embrace.

“God Tess, I’m so sorry this happened. Let’s get you home.” He held my hand.

 As we were walking out, I looked over to the woman. She seemed far away, like she wasn’t really here. Then she started to shake her head back and forth and began tapping her walker like before I’d entered Patty’s office.

            The drive was silent, I guess Nick didn’t want to overstimulate me. I rested my head on the side of the window. Looking off at all the different houses and buildings. The people crossing the roads, minding their own business.

“I wasn’t sure if I should tell you, but I think it’s important.” Nick said, breaking the silence.

“What is it?” I asked, looking over to him. He was too focused on the road, but I could tell he had something on his mind.

“They called today,” he started, “The cops.”

“What’d they say Nick?” I felt as if I knew. But I needed to hear it.

“They have something Tess. They want you to meet with them as soon as you can. I told them not today.”

I knew what that meant, but I didn’t want to believe it.